I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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