my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
