Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
