my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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