Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
