my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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