I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
