My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
