this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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