Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
