Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
If its not for food we ain't going out.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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