Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
