i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Well I just put wine in my tea
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
