Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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