Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
