all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
