Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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