I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
