So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
