The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
we're chasing vodka with high fives
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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