so that wasnt chicken after all
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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