Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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