I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
