i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
