first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
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