so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
