Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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