pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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