Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
