I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
