And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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