Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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