Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We're too hungover to prance.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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