I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
