What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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