I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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