Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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