Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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