I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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