I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
