I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
