i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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