I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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