the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
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