I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize