I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
