Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
