sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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