i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
