The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
