Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
