She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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