Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize