you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
3pm strippers are depressing
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
