ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
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