you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
