You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
