I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
