Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
