I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
